The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

My maturity had always been something I took pride in; but more and more it has become a burden to me. I've lost that innocence and naivete of a child. My maturity and my value of responsibility has sucked the joy out of life. Honestly, I just feel old. I feel tired. To take it further, I feel ugly.

The ugliness stems from my own imperfections...shortcomings...sins. The ugliness stems from my own failures in all aspects of my life. The ugliness stems from the unintentional pressure my personality forces upon my friends - a pressure that puts a distance between us. The ugliness stems from failed relationships because of my inability to be completely honest and transparent with many people as a result of my maturity telling me that doing so will be break those unwritten social contracts; or even worse, actions absent of love. The ugliness stems from my inability to be joyful.

As I've become more independent in the past years, I realized I've become even more dependent. I realized that I've become even more needy. But my maturity tells me to keep my needs myself and the hurts of my youth tell me to stay silent. Also, as I've grown more independent, I've learned to brush the disappointments off even better. However, in reality, I desire to be desired. I desire to be cared for. I desire to be significant. I desire to be loved. All these needs and desires are masked behind my maturity and my independence.

The thing that hurts me the most is when people I care about seem to careless about me. As I find out that I play only minute roles in the lives of the people that are so significant to me, I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart. So as I've learned to be more loving and forgiving over the past few years, I've given people chances after chances, making excusing for them over and over again and never dealing with the issue with that person. All this is fine and dandy until that day comes when I decide I've been hurt enough. On that day, unforgiveness cages my heart and resentment fills it completely and I am incapable of loving that person because I've decided to not care at all about that person in order to save myself from further pain.

I've come to the conclusion that my fortes are my flaws.

But He said to me , "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, n persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

At the moment, I'm just stuck at weakness. Not yet glad, not yet boasting, not yet graced, not yet empowered by Christ, not yet strong.

- The Enforcer,
Michelle Yeow

(From my personal blog)

New Template :)

I decided to change the template because the commenting wasn't working. This template is "Cuter" though... and a little less serious but hey... i like it :D

Anyways, happy posting officers.

-Clarence

Beauty for Ashes

At this moment I guess I look at my self and I end up feeling broken and weak. Needing someone to talk to but not knowing who to got to. I'm swept away by all the hurting in me because of all I've done and all I cant do. Needing forgiveness and the someone to tell me that its okay. To you: I need to confess to you that I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry to everything. I want us to start over from the begining. Where it all began. I miss what we had and long for more with you. I'm sorry. I need to tell you I'm sorry and telling you I'm sorry is all I can think about right now.

I guess I'm struggling with seeing that I completely fall short of who I want to be and I'm hurting because of it. I'm needing God to show me He's near and long for His embrace but I'm lost with all that I've done and I'm too scared to look to Him.

So I Pray to the Lord that He will help me to let it all go. All the regrets. All the mistakes. All the failings. That they may fall to my feet and that I would find that Joy that satisfies my soul. Please Take the emptiness in my and give me life. Take these ashes oh God and make in me something beautiful.



~Ivie Aifuwa

Business or Ministry

No, I'm not talking about my future.

I'm talking about Ministry = A Business?

No, I'm not talking about profit, revenue, supply and demand, marginal benefit.

But I am talking about turnover, manpower stock, internal supply, and... other "business" lingo.

Ever felt like we are running a business sometimes? I am taking an HR (Human Resources) class, and I sit through lecture, thinking about ministry because so many things apply to it. For example, we began the semester talking about tip of icebergs and that only 6% of one's identity is seen on the surface, on shallow waters. 94% of a person is hidden depth. HR is the bridge of that in a working environment. Now this example can be used anywhere, pysch, soc, and etc. And I bet alot of other classes that aren't in Business would teach you that. Heck, that's something your parents could say to you.

But let's dig a little deeper in business. I learned about Expert Estimate and Internal Supply today. Now this is all business lingo, but it's talking about how a company utilizes their employees based on their experience and performance. They can pinpoint how much one can do, and how reliable they are because they are experienced in that area. For example, Clarence is worth 3.1% of this company. If we fire Clarence, our profits will go down 3.1%.

I kind of feel like, being officers, we see the big picture, how much one of our leaders are worth and we plan accordingly.

I am guilty of this. I often worry about the end result and forget about the process. I measure performance as if our leaders are just work machines.

Happy workers perform better, no? I'm not saying, care for them because we want performance, but care for them because it's worth it.

Don't get me wrong, business has many good principles. Bill Bright, founder of Campus Crusade for Christ, was a businessman. But business is missing something that ministry has. That's God. No matter what I can measure for performance for individuals, God always out performs all. He works in all. He raises the bar on all. That's my God.

Chief,

Clarence

P.S. Comments are Broken :(. I'm looking into fixing it, I might change the layout to see if that works.

UConn trip

i don't know if this was okayed to invite myself into this blog so that i can blog it with my account. and if absence of capitals at the beginning of the sentence or the bad grammar bothers you, sorry. you gonna have to deal with it with my posts. :)

So.

I visited UConn as you all know. and i did have a wonderful time there. peter tagged along with me so we had time to catch up and discuss stuff in our lives. it was good. reason i needed UConn was to press this "reset" button in my downhill struggle towards God. Many of you have noticed me being out of things, just not really enthused as i was before. i was just struggling so much, for reason i could not figure out. i was depressed. i wasn't getting my school work done. i had no excitement that i thought i would have.

then few days before leaving, i realized that it was, still, a project withdrawl. i thought i had gone over that, but i guess i was wrong. i didn't really have time to let things sink in for me. saturday i left projects was Cheon-il's wedding, then the sunday i got back, i was out serving the youth group. i just didn't have that time to catch my breath. mentally, at least. so i really hoped that this trip will be the last pages of my Wildwood chapter of my life.

there were no tears when we met, but there were lots of hugs and smiles. lots. just catching up with my discipler, Ryan, was really cool. he is just an awesome guy who genuinely looked out for me. when we would share during our times together, he would just listen and give the most perfect advice. awesome dude.
ok. now i'm just rambling. i'll get to the point.

I NEEDED THIS TRIP. BAD. i don't know what you guys thought when i said i wasn't going to be here and i'll be at UConn. but i do feel refreshed and recharged. these brothers and sisters i met there... there were no uncomfortable awkwardness between us, which i thought there might be. we are so close that i could call few of these brothers once every two years and still not be awkward.

i realized that i was always standing on my own with my faith. i mean.. i had my family to look out for me and there were youth pastor that lay my foundation in middle school, and there was New Hope, always encouraging me and supporting me. but i was always depending on myself to look for God. i never really had that "best friend" that everyone had. i had really no one to share my joys and especially my struggles. so opening up to people has always been difficult for me. even with peter, who i came into this college life with, who i lived with, who i spent my summers with. and that has been my fault and my fault alone. to peter, and to you guys.

wildwood gave me that friends. within that 11 weeks, i made my best friends. and all it took was for me to open up to them and be vulnerable. and in a single day, that was lost. i couldn't stand on my own anymore. that was why i was struggling.

so coming back from this, i realized that i need to be vulnerable with you guys now. i know that i've been bouncing those kinds of questions back to you guys with simple yes and forced smiles. i'm not going to do that anymore. it's not fair for you guys. i'll share my struggles. it might take a while for me to step into it, but if you can, try to force it out of me. that would actually be helping me. because i'm not the type that would do that.

yeah.. this is long. i still have to study for my biochem test that is in 8 hours.

끝

Ambassador Rhee

Arise

Hey guys, just to follow up on my previous entry. I don't usually like recording songs and posting them all over the web because I don't like the spotlight and essentially I feel like I'm self-promoting, but I really wanted to share this song with you guys.

This song is called "Arise". It was written by a few members of the praise band I was a part of during high school, called Mad Chills. This is a song pleading for God to hear us in our brokenness; for His Spirit to arise in us and set us free from our despair. This is a cry for God to come and rescue us from our rut.

Like I said in the last entry, I've been struggling with a passiveness in my walk with God. Sometimes I feel like God is not listening to me so I don't even pray. Most of the time, I'm disappointed in my own imperfections that I feel like I should even get to talk to Him.

The lyrics of this song really touch my heart now. It's hard for me to grasp that a group of naive 16 years olds wrote this. I was talking to my former praise band members and they shared that this song becomes more and more meaningful as the years pass by. It's almost as if we never even knew what we were talking about when we wrote this song 4 years and had 250 other teenagers singing along with us (the past). What did we even know about brokenness then? About despair? I'm so convinced that the Holy Spirit spoke to us then to bless us now, so many years later.

This song is a blessing to me and this is my prayer. I hope you guys can be blessed by this too.

Verse 1:
O Lord, hear my plea
Listen to my broken heart
I cry without holding back
Would You listen to me?

Verse 2:
O Lord, know my thoughts
I pray with lifted hands
Break me and set me apart
To be an image of You

Chorus:
Arise, O Lord
Breathe into my soul
Arise, O Lord
That I may live again
Restore my longing for holiness
Guard me closely to Your promise
Arise, arise, arise, arise

Verse 3:
O Lord, bind me tightly
To Your covenant of peace
From imperfection, in desperation
For You to set me free

Chorus

Bridge:
From my despair I will awake
I will be satisfied
From my despair I'll start to fly
Then I'll be satisfied

P/S: I've been blogging for the past 7 years so this is pretty familiar ground for me. I actually enjoy blogging because I write better than I can speak. There a lot of things I can share in writing than I can in person. But anyway, I'm hoping to not post anything here for a while...or at least until some of you guys post too. I always feel that I speak too much. Like in our meetings or anything, I always have this feeling that I'm talking too much, that I'm stomping over people, that I'm giving the wrongful impression that I'm trying to steal the spotlight. I hope I haven't been a discouragement to you guys with my "intense" personality. If I have, I truly, truly apologize.

- The Enforcer,

Michelle

Run, But Check the Destination

"Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever."

- 1 Corinthians 9:25

This was one of the verses Josh and I incorporated into the Amazing Race group games at retreat. It's also a verse that I was planning to share with the Sports Committee Heads and maybe even the players on our New Hope teams this year. Originally, this was just a verse I found to relate to the group game and intramural teams and to remind them to fight to the everlasting prize and just for the sake of winning a game or a championship; but this verse is now a reminder to myself.

Without a doubt, athletes go into strict training because there is a goal and prize that they are absolutely passionate about. Actually, we all participate in that whenever we have a prized goal set in our minds. It may be working out and getting diesel, it may be excelling in school, it may be trying to graduate, it may be being a great musician, or it may actually be a sport - but once we have our minds on something and we have passion for it, we naturally dive ourselves into it; working our hardest to achieve that end goal by fixing our shortcomings, exploring new and better methods, etc.

All that for a "prize that will not last".

What about the work we do for the prize that will last forever?

I'm sorry to say that right now, that work is minimal for me. It's not that I'm focused on my academics right now, or my job, or my future, etc. (I actually feel like I haven't focused enough for those things.) Instead, I've been spending a lot of my time going about being an officer and a small group leader. That all should seem fine and dandy but it's not. I'm not spending a lot of my time going about being a child of God. I'm not spending much time doing that at all.

I don't know if I need discipline. I don't know if I need better time management. Maybe I just need to be broken. I need to really feel that I'm in a wrong place because right now, I'm only less than content with my situation. Not enough to truly stir action, or that heart of agony from the video Rob shared before retreat.

Essentially, right now, I am running "like a man running aimlessly" and fighting "like a man beating the air." - a contrast to the apostle Paul in the following verse. (1 Cor. 9:26)

The preceding verse goes:

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize."

- 1 Corinthians 9:24

So far, in every aspect of my life, I've just been jogging, really. I'm just skipping my way right on through whatever it is I need to do. I'm more motivated in some things than others, but everything is done "half-heartedly" and without true passion. But I think I need to first reassess the difference between the true prize I should be fixing my eyes on and the one I have in my mind currently and correct it accordingly. Then, no more jogging; no more speed walking. I'll need to run hard for that prize. "Run in such a way as to get the prize."

P/S: Sorry for being late to prayer meeting today. I really have no good excuse. And even in the short time I was there, I didn't want to be. I was singing meaningless melodies and praying words of emptiness. This thing is starting to catch up with me. I really need to start running hard in the right direction because I'm starting to see the foothold I've given the devil and he's already started to take advantage of it.

Clarence, if you read this. Wake me up Friday morning for devotions. I need it.

- The Enforcer,

Michelle